So the day came and went. The day I dropped my oldest kid off at college. She was ready. I was ready. Or so I thought.
I knew it would be emotional. How could it not be? You reflect back on the pictures and events when she was like three and four years old. The first Halloween. The first softball game. The first school drop off. A memorable birthday. Sometimes I think this ready-for-college eighteen-year-old is still a toddler. Yeah. Not so much.
That said, while it was emotional, I enjoyed the moment. Seeing her meet her roommate and the family for the first time. Reconnecting with her future college teammates. Meeting others in her hall. It was all very fun.
The joy I have for myself is, as I reflect on this, did I do all I could to put my kid in a position to achieve her hopes and dreams? Did I work to position her to succeed while allowing her to fail so she had an ability to be resilient? I hope so. I am sure (cynically speaking) she will end up on a couch someday telling a professional how her dad was too serious, too strict, too driven, or did not let her fly enough. Oh well. I did my best. I am not perfect.
I think it will be fun, and challenging for someone like me, to watch her experience successes, failures, challenges, adversity, without me being as involved. I am sure I will get some calls like, “dad, what do you think I should do here?” Or, “can you help me with (insert whatever it is)?” I will gladly impart my two cents knowing ultimately, she has to decide what is best for her. I have been using the phrasing more these days, “if it were me, I would…” Again, knowing ultimately, it is her call and what course of action to take.
I am incredibly intrigued on how the next four years will play out. What decisions will she make? What courses of action will she take? What role will her upbringing play? While it sounds like a sociology experiment, it is real life.
Moving on, what did I learn from her experience that will shape how I work with my son (a very different person)? To date, this has been more challenging or to quote my own father, “trickier.” My son is just wired different than me – sometimes for the good and sometimes not. Some of this you can genderize to a degree. Some of this is him being more like his mom and my daughter being more like me, again, some of this being good and some not.
El niño, as I refer to him sometimes, does not think linearly. He is more creative and insightful than me. Over the years I have come to be more flexible (some would debate that, and others would drop their jaws at hearing this), but I believe it to be true. I am not a total robo dad with him but I do nudge him more (in part because I feel like I have to). I do pick my battles more, keeping in mind what is really important to me for him – character, commitment to school and athletics.
Living in Miami, having an activity outside of academics is critical because of all the silly stuff distractions associated with the environment. As a former college coach, I know athletics more, so this is where I invested time. If music, theatre, or some other activity drove my son, I would have spent time here. I would have known less about how to navigate the art and music world but it is about him not me so I would have figured it out.
So what’s next?
As I think through what I would have done different with my daughter and how this informs how I work with my son, here are some final thoughts.
Every kid is different so trying to plug one style of parenting into different kids will epic fail. While this may seem obvious, my sense is there can be a tendency to say, “well it worked for this kid, so it must work for the other.” That said, being consistent in the approach from a values perspective is important.
Listening, caring, loving, and getting to know the kid is critical. Again, this may feel like, duh, but taking time to understand, listen, and know your kid is trickier than you think. There’s a lot that goes through their minds – peer pressure and feeling accepted by peers being at the forefront – so if the kid knows you are in for them, this will go a long way. Shamelessly, this allows me to use one of my favorite Teddy Roosevelt quotes, “no one cares about how much you know until they know how much you care.”
I love both my kids. They are different. They are wired different. That has proven challenging but forced me to grow, adapt, and learn along the way knowing some days I hit it our of the park and some days I flat out stink. My only hope is that when it is all said and done, I have put them in a position to achieve their hopes and dreams – knowing they will have to work for it, earn it, and hopefully, one day, pay it forward.
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