Recently I watched the movie, “King Richard.” My 13-year-old and eighth grade son told me, there were parts of the main character – Richard Williams – that reminded him of me. Admittedly, there is some truth to this. I have pushed my kids academically and athletically. I have worked to help them find a hobby – in this case a sport – they are passionate about and then have fed this. I have written about my daughter, a high school junior, and the college recruiting process. She took everything I threw at her, and with just a little grief, came back asking for more.
My eighth grader is wired different. I have come to realize this, fortunately soon enough, to adapt my approach. He is at an impressionable age, and we live in an impressionable city – Miami – which comes with many distractions and a culture very different than the hard work pays off culture I grew up with in the Midwest. I am a lucky dad in that he has matured and does care about school – although the procrastination is not a virtue mantra still needs some work. For his age, he is quite skilled in lacrosse – however he lacks some confidence which has held him back.
That established, given my son’s impressionable age, like so many others this age, he has shown signs of wavering on his commitment to the sport. Seeing this resulted in a parental conversation and intervention on my part. This is where pushing not shoving and being adaptable as a parent is important. What I shared with him was that he had communicated to me goals he wanted to achieve. I said, the fact that you are in eighth grade, and we need to be having this conversation is crazy in and of itself. However, given his stated goal of playing college lacrosse, if this is something he wanted to achieve – he would have to make some different decisions socially and ensure lacrosse is a priority after academics. I told him I loved him and whatever he decided, I would always love him. However, if he was not going to be as committed to lacrosse, he would need to adjust his goals down or lower his expectations. I asked him to communicate this with me so my approach as a parent, or as a parent/coach – like Richard Williams – would be consistent with his goals and dreams.
Again, the fact that I needed to have a conversation like this with an eighth grader, while crazy to me, is indicative of our culture today. What happened to playing more than one sport? What happened to playing just for fun? What happened to just being a kid? Unfortunately, in the pace of today’s society, for a student-athlete to achieve at the college level, unless they are just naturally gifted athletically, they need to commit to a sport at a younger age and commit to it via practice and extra work. As I say to myself, “Todo, we are not in the 1970’s or 1980’s anymore.”
This involves an investment in time and finances from the family. Lacrosse, and almost any sport for that matter, is not inexpensive. Lessons, teams, practices, camps, and of course all the travel to practices and tournaments costs time and money. It is not for the faint of heart. It takes a committed parent. I also think there is a fine line between pushing and shoving your kid. Encouraging but not belittling. Facilitating but not to the point of burn out. It takes a financial sacrifice – limited vacations, if any, that are also in the same location as the tournament. Staying in hotels that offer free breakfast, yet no bed bugs. Planning in advance by bringing your own food or finding cheap places to eat that are open at random hours with healthy fare.
That said, I can think of no greater investment you will make as a parent than in your children. Spending time with them has a shelf life. After high school, they are largely on their own, so taking time with them at these impressionable ages is a joy. Regardless of the trip, being able to spend time with them in the car, at a meal, or at hotels provides an opportunity to continue to shape, mold, and influence them positively. Learning what is important to them, their curiosities, their struggles, their hopes, and dreams – all are part of the joy of being a parent. As I share often with others – it is a journey – enjoy the ups and downs and ride the wave as long as you can!
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