This is like an intervention conversation. I am a perfectionist. There. I said it. This is a blessing and curse all together. I come from a strong lineage of perfectionists. My dad for instance. He is one of the smartest individuals I ever met. He is a great role model for hard work pays off. He is incredibly understated and has the nickname “humble Harry.” That said, I’ve seen his perfectionism result in adult temper tantrums when things did not go to plan. Picture Steve Martin in the movie “Planes, Trains, and Automobiles” in the rental car scene – yes, this is my dad.
From a positive perspective, I think my perfectionism has driven me to work hard. I think striving to be perfect, while a high bar to jump over, has resulted in several accomplishments. Graduating with honors from college for instance. Earning my Ed.D. is another. For those who know me, this is not me tooting my own horn. I don’t roll that way. For those who know me, I am a grinder. One of my best friend work colleagues said to me years ago, “dude, I have never seen someone more programmed and dialed in as you.” Guilty as charged. I lean in and holistically subscribe to the “hard work pays off” mantra.
On the other hand, I can be incredibly impatient with myself and others at times. Given the high bar I set for myself, I expect a lot from others. My kids for instance. They know and I expect full effort in school and sports. I am not so crazy that a Haller F grade is a B…but it is a C. One my daughter’s coaches jokingly said, “C’s get degrees baby.” My son heard this and, while I smiled, I think my stomach turned. On the athletic field, I have seen my daughter set a high bar for herself in a good way. I have also seen her crumble because of perfectionism.
In a bad way, my perfectionism has rubbed off on her a bit. So, how do you overcome parenting your kid on being a perfectionist, when you yourself are one? Good question that I have spent a great deal of time thinking about and working on.
First, I have worked to teach her to be more patient with herself. During batting practice is where the perfectionism shows up the most. One bad hit can result in a flying bat or obscenities heard only by some of the guys I used to coach football with. Fortunately, this only shows up around me. However, some of her coaches have shared her perfectionism has adversely impacted her performance. I have found deep breathing really helps. Pause. Relax. As I have watched college softball players prepare to hit, the good ones, take a deep breath before entering the batter’s box. I have seen pitchers take deep breaths in between pitches. Closing your eyes and visualizing success while taking a deep breath has been meaningful. Is it Zen like? Absolutely!!!
Second, repeating the message over and over – “it’s a game of failure” is a big mantra. Asking questions to make setbacks a teachable moment – what would you do different? What did you learn? This applies to sports as well as to school after a poor test result. Being affirming – “it’s ok, there will be other times.” Being from Cleveland and a longtime baseball and football fan, “there is always a next time” should be the city tagline. Knowing that, “success is never final and failure is never fatal, it is courage that counts” (this has been loosely attributed to Winston Churchill and John Wooden btw but is not substantiated) has real meaning for those with perfectionist nature.
I am far from perfect in executing patience and understanding. There. I said it. I am not perfect. That said, acknowledging that I am not perfect, and that this is a weakness, has given me opportunities to learn to be more patient and understanding so I can model this more to my kids. This involves me doing deep breathing, meditation, and checking myself when I feel becoming off center. I have a great deal to thank my spouse for this. The ying to my yang. Together, we balance each other and fill in gaps where the other one stumbles in helping to point our kids in the direction where they work hard to achieve goals in school and sports while learning from setbacks to improve. Understanding that achievements are the result of a commitment to the process of self-improvement is what matters most.
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