So this is a tough topic. For those of you who have read some of my earlier posts, I am an engaged and involved parent. While I am dating myself, I do not think a qualify as Todd Marinovich’s robo-dad. As forementioned though, for sure engaged and involved. There is a balancing act associated with being engaged and involved versus a robo-dad. To the latter point, I do not micromanage my kids. Rarely do I yell. To the former point, I spend a great deal of time teaching, motivating, and encouraging.
So how involved or what should the relationship be with my kid’s coaches? This is also a balancing act. I think my role varies based on the coach. There are some I deeply respect and understand, and it is a friendship like relationship. There are others who I would label as adult-children where I have a coach the coach relationship. Last, there are others I have come to disrespect. In these cases, I have removed my kids from the teams or organizations because it is clear the coach is in the game for him/herself or does not care about the kid. I love the saying, “no one cares about how much you know until they know how much you care.” In this case, this type of coach can destroy a kid’s love of the sport – something I will not tolerate.
Within the past two years, I have experienced all three of these parent-coach relationships. As an engaged parent, to say it is exhausting is an understatement. I find myself asking from time to time, how hard is it to find someone knowledgeable who cares? Some of this is on me. As a former college coach, I generally understand the sport enough to be dangerous and as an engaged passionate person, I struggle with the notion of not putting the kid first.
Recently, I had a difficult interaction with one of my kid’s coaches. While the coach is knowledgeable and cares, I have not seen consistent meritorious decision making over time that has adversely impacted my kid’s love of the game. Historically, I have my kid interact with the coach and advocate for herself. I believe this is a teachable moment. In this case, after she had done this on multiple occasions without a reasonable answer, I felt I needed to intercede and engage the coach. In the past, I waited until the end of the season to speak up to stay neutral. In this case, because of the history with the program, I engaged early in the season.
Like in the difficult conversations post, I stuck with the facts and kept an even keel. I practiced deep breathing and played out scenarios of the conversation in advance. I asked to be heard first so I could state my piece. From there, the conversation flowed. It did become emotional and heated (not by me), but by detaching and keeping an even keel – my point was clearly articulated and understood. It was not fun. It was draining. However, it was important. Most importantly, I think my kid saw me at my best – a passionate even keeled advocate. We got to debrief the conversation after, and I was able to share why keeping an even keel made my argument stronger.
Too early to tell what the outcome of the conversation will be, but I am happy to have had the courage to have the conversation. I was happy about the timing of the conversation – early in the season so as not to fester – nip it in the bud. I was happy to model for my kid. I was grateful the coach was willing to hear me out, and while uncomfortable and frustrated, understand my point of view.
Engaging and interacting with your kid’s coach is tricky. It is a one-sided positional power relationship from the start. Lean in too far and you can adversely impact your kid. Be too passive, not advocating for your kid, and your kid can lose a love of the game. Finding the balancing act of observing and if needed, professionally engaging in a constructive factual manner, can have a positive outcome. I recommend having your kid lead and self-advocate first as this is a good life skill. However, if you find your kid losing a love of the sport or emotionally distraught, I think stepping in, while difficult, has value.
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