Recently, I had a difficult conversation with a work colleague. It was hard and unsetting. I guess, hence the term – difficult conversation.
As I thought more about the conversation, it was productive and overall positive because it was a matter of fact like discussion. For people who know me, I am a pretty passionate person so having a matter of fact like conversation can be more challenging. I think this comes a little from my coaching background but also because I am invested in what I do. I remember a line from the movie Erin Brokovich where Erin’s supervisor was criticizing her for taking her job so personally. Her answer forever resonated with me, “that is my work, my sweat, and my time away from my kids! If that is not personal, I don’t know what is?” That said, there is a piece of this where remaining even keeled and professional during a difficult conversation can make your argument stronger. Jesuit principles use the term “detachment” when describing discussions. I think this can be misinterpreted as not caring. I have learned over the years this means more about being steady and consistent in a conversation. It does not mean uncaring or lacking passion. Some may say this is just professionalism.
I felt the conversation was altogether constructive and positive because I was able to remain professional and matter of fact. In the conversation, I stuck to the facts. I did some storytelling and quoted others which I think helped solidify my perspective. Keeping to the facts though and what I knew to be true, helped my point resonate to a more meaningful degree. Not to make the conversation sound like – win/lose – but I truly felt I had a stronger argument.
So, as I reflect back on the conversation, there are some real takeaways. First, authenticity is critical in these conversations if they are going to be meaningful. If either party suspects that the conversation is not authentic, the element of trust is immediately lost making the conversation less impactful. If one party suspects a hidden agenda in the conversation, the conversation is less meaningful. Tied to this, and I have written about this in the past, humility is equally important. Entering the conversation with confidence is important. That said, there is a balancing act of confidence and humility. Entering the conversation with a sense of gravitas without ego provided some inner self confidence and assurance that this conversation, while difficult, was a safe one.
Ultimately, my point was well accepted. I cannot say I achieved all that I hoped but I learned a great deal and felt assured in the conversation. There was some resignation as well given the feedback I received but I was happy to know and learn the other individual’s perspective, as I was able to draw some conclusions on my next courses of action.
Difficult conversations are hard. They are unsettling. Knowing in advance a difficult conversation is going to be had allows for some advanced preparation. Creating talking points and thinking through possible scenarios that can develop during the conversation will allow you to stay on message while sticking to the facts. I have also found meditation exercises and deep breathing in advance allow for relaxation. They have also allowed me to continue to scenario build possible topics that may arise during the conversation so counterpoints can be clearly articulated. It can also allow you to stay even keeled in the conversation. I have to remind myself – it’s a journey and I am always learning!
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